[Trailer]
[Starring Jo Otononaji
[Note: Name literally means "adult circumstances"]
No way!
I'd rather die than bend my principles!
[The time to fight is now.]
Aliens?! It's all over!
Yakuza? Or aliens? Which one will survive?
Alien vs. Yakuza
[Alien vs. Yakuza」
[Now playing」
Hey, Otsune. A man talks with his back.
[“Alien vs. Yakuza” starring Jo Otonanoji a.k.a. “Jo Bro”」
[The hit movie now playing in Edo. Even that man cried emotional tears.]
Why’s it have to be just before quitting time?
Seems something alien attached itself to the fuselage during the flight.
Huh? You’re not suggesting an alien or something is stuck to it…?
Which reminds me. Did you see “Alien vs. Yakuza”? Man, it was awesome…
I haven’t seen the series since “Alien 2.”
Really, it’s not that good, is it?
No, you’ve got to see it.
The latest one’s awesome!
There’s this army of aliens, right, and they fight a bunch of Jo Bro clones…
…and no matter which side wins, only death awaits them in Edo!
Why’s that? Why’s Edo going to be destroyed because of Jo Bro?
You know what? I was actually more afraid of Jo Bro.
That so? Then let’s hope it’s not Jo Bro that’s stuck to the fuselage.
It’s for real!
Shut up! Keep your voices down!
I’ve got a hangover and my head is absolutely killing me!
I come all the way to Earth and still I’ve got to exterminate Aliens.
For crying out loud…
This was supposed to be a personal trip.
You guys mechanics?
There’s a good chance that monster’s main body has escaped into Edo.
Edo’s in big trouble.
Would you tell the police for me?
Just tell them Umibozu’s calling.
["Give a Thought to Planned Pregnancy"]
Hello? Odd Jobs.
Hello. It’s me. Me.
Who are you?
It’s me! I’m in big trouble.
Is that you, Gin-chan?
That’s right. It’s Gin-chan… Gin-chan.
I got into an accident and hit a pregnant woman. I’m in deep trouble.
Finish her off and run away.
What?! How could you say that? That’s awful!
Anyway, I need money. If you don’t hurry, I’ll be arrested.
Seriously?
I need you to immediately deposit the money to this bank account…
[Note: In Japanese, the word “deposit” sounds similar to the term that means “throwing rice.”]
That hurt. I wiped too hard.
Man, we’ve got to get a bidet.
Huh? Did somebody just leave?
Yeah. That was Kagura-chan.
She went rushing out in a panic after taking a call.
What’s that about?
Must’ve been a call from her home. Maybe they want her to return.
That’d be great. It’d be a lot quieter around here.
More importantly…
Gin-san, you gotta check this out.
The “It’s Me” con artist?
It’s a new scam where the con artist calls on the phone without saying their name,
just saying “It’s me” and letting you assume it’s someone you know.
Then they say they’re in trouble and need you to wire money to them.
I wouldn’t deposit money no matter who was in trouble.
Remember that, Shinpachi.
The only one who’d fall for that is some stupid girl with Amazonian strength.
Umibozu? What’s that?
You don’t know, Okita-san? Everybody knows.
Let me see that.
Hey, don’t push.
Phew! Somebody reeks! Wash your underarms!
In simple terms, he’s an alien buster.
A space exterminator who hunts and eradicates the most dangerous aliens in the galaxy.
He’s celebrated as the strongest of all the exterminators.
He has secret ties with planetary authorities everywhere.
He’s a man who has traveled the stars and battled countless monsters.
He’s known only as “Umibozu”… He’s a living legend.
Ohh… So what’s a legend doing here?
Seems an alien escaped into Edo.
We appreciate you coming here to warn us.
We will handle it from here, so please rest assured.
However, I never thought I would meet the Umibozu. I am honored.
Are you here on Earth to hunt aliens?
You say that like I’m hunting mushrooms!
I’m here on private business.
I’m pursuing someone much more troublesome than any alien.
Someone who troubles even the famed Umibozu-dono?
A woman, I take it.
She is indeed a woman. No question about that.
[Oedo Bank & Trust]
Ma’am, what’re you doing?!
I’m sorry. Gin-chan told me on the phone! He’ll get in trouble if I don’t “throw rice!”
Huh? Throw rice?
Miss, Miss…
You don’t throw rice. Don’t you mean “deposit”?
Anyway, I have to do this!
No, you must be referring to “deposit”!
Don’t bother me, four eyes!
We’re sorry about the commotion.
Sir, how can I help you? Sir?
What? Umibozu?
What’s such a big shot doing here?
Huh? Toshi, is something wrong?
It’s nothing, Chief.
We have to act quickly or we’ll have a major problem.
A parasitic alien has entered Edo.
Alien?
It’s all over, Alien!!
Prepare for Samurai Justice!!
Hey, Toshi, what’s going on? Did something happen?
Jo Bro, we shall avenge you!!
Jo-san? What happened? Did something happen to a guy named Jo-san?
Jo Bro, we love you!!
I don’t entirely understand… but listen carefully.
This alien can take over any organism—a dog, a cat— anything as its host.
Its intelligence is low, but its adaptability makes it deadly!
The quickest way to tell if someone’s been taken over by it is to look at their face. There will be bruises.
Look for a panda! The parasite’s host…
will have black circles around their eyes.
Understand, men? Look for a panda! We must…
stop it before it causes any damage. Look for a panda!
Not like…a real panda…you know.
I’m at the Oedo Bank & Trust, where a robber has barricaded himself inside.
We can see the robber’s face! What are those dark circles around his eyes?
He must be sleep deprived!
A panda.
Testing, testing…
This is a message for the robber!
You are completely surrounded.
Come out peacefully.
We’re too late.
What? You don’t mean that Kagura-chan did this?
Kagura is responsible?
That’s right. She was tricked by the “It’s Me” scam and tried to deposit money.
But, of course, she doesn’t have any money. And that’s what led to this violent act.
Oh no… What should we do?
What can we do?
Gin-san?
This is a message for the robber…
Hey, what’re you people doing?!
I don’t think I can beat her, but if I don’t try to stop her, who will?
If her family were here, they’d do the same.
G-Gin-san…
I’m in too.
It’s too dangerous!
Kagura-chan!
Our mistake.
A monster!
Well… I’m glad… seems Kagura-chan isn’t the robber.
Yes, you’re right.
But wasn’t something attacking her?
That must’ve been, you know, her father.
That call must’ve been from her father. They were meeting here.
Oh, so that was her father giving her a big hug.
They want time alone, just father and daughter. We really shouldn’t disturb their reunion…
Gin-chan, that’s cruel. Why didn’t you rescue me?
What’re you doing? What’s that all over you?! Is that your father’s guts!
I threw a lot of rice for you, Gin-chan.
What happened to the priest? Did you settle it?
[Note: A play on the word ninpu meaning pregnant woman and shinpu meaning priest]
What’s this about a priest? How did that guy scam you?!
What is that?
Is that your dad?
That’s not my dad!! It just appeared and started spewing all over the place.
It’s still spewing!
Let go! Let go!!
Bad Kagura-chan! Let go of us!
I’m taking both of you with me!
Oh, found you.
Hey, that umbrella…
I’ve been looking for you… Kagura.
Pappy?
Pa…Pappy?!
[Starring Jo Otononaji]
No way!
I’d rather die than break my principles!
I was totally moved.
Jo Bro is the best!
Yes, I cried. It was the best.
Aliens are scum!
Aliens?! It’s all over!
Yakuza? Or aliens? Which one will survive?
Aliens vs Yakuza
[Aliens vs Yakuza]
[Now playing]
Hey, Otsune. A man talks with his back.
Testing, testing.
This is a message for the alien.
You are completely surrounded.
Give up this pointless resistance and come out peacefully, alien.
Your mother back in your hometown is crying!
She didn’t raise you to be this kind of alien.
What kind of alien is that?
It doesn’t matter if you’re an alien or human,
anyone who makes his mother cry is a loser. Right, mother?
Say something.
What? She’s here? Its mother is here?
Mommy doesn’t know you anymore…
Ever since that day three years ago, mommy wants to say…she no longer has a son!
Chief!
You’re dead meat, Alien scum!
Totally dead!
No, this isn’t an alien.
Chief, speak to me!
Someone’s coming out.
Ready!
Just come with me! I’ll treat you to a marron parfait!
Let go! Don’t walk so close!
What’s the matter? Are you embarrassed to be with your father?!
What is it? What part of me is embarrassing?
Tell me and pappy will fix it!
It’s too late to fix it.
Kagura-chan, there’s nothing a man can’t fix!
I can make amends for any mistake!
It’s impossible! Once your hair falls out, it never comes back!
Excuse me, I’d like a marron parfait, too.
No, wait a minute. Maybe I’ll have a fruit parfait, after all. What should I have?
What?
Umibozu?!
Umibozu… What? He’s Kagura’s father?!
Umibozu? What is that, some sort of phantom?
[Note: "bozu" means priest, and is slang for bald.]
He’s not bald, but his hair is thinning.
Hey, what do you mean by “thinning”?
I’m just thin on top.
Umibozu is the fiercest Alien Buster ever.
His name is known throughout galaxy. The wandering exterminator.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I’ve heard of him. The balding janitor.
It’s “buster”, not "janitor"!
Who is this jerk?
He makes your Pappy mad. Can I kill him?
Calm down, Thinner.
Thinner…? Huh? That sounds like “Winner,” so it might be cool.
Thinner, let me introduce you. This guy with the hopeless specs is Shinpachi.
What do you mean, hopeless?
And this guy with the stupid fuzzy-head is Gin-chan.
What’s with the stupid?
These are the guys I’m looking after while on Earth.
Please get along.
Hmph. Are you sure they weren’t planning something illegal?
The streets are overflowing with people who want to misuse the strength of the Yato.
What? What do you mean by “misuse”?
You talking about grating a radish on your head?
A father who abandoned his daughter has no right to talk.
I’ve been hunting feverishly for her ever since
I took my eyes off her for a second and she disappeared.
Girls this age are difficult. They’re as fragile as a glass sculpture.
What’re you talking about? Your brain is as fragile as a glass sculpture!
You talk big, with your big hair.
But, when you pass thirty, it’ll happen so quickly.
Before you know it, the follicle goddess will abandon you too!
Come on, stop that, you two!
At any rate, I can’t leave my daughter in the hands of someone like you.
I’m taking Kagura-chan home with me!
You don’t get to decide that!
Kagura-chan, there’s no excuse for domestic violence!
Pappy, you ignored your family and did whatever you pleased.
I don’t want you meddling in my life now.
I don’t interfere in your life…so don’t interfere in mine!
I came to Earth on my own. I’ll go home on my own.
Kagura-chan…
Family is like a bird’s nest.
A bird can’t keep on flying forever.
If there’s no nest to go home to, she’ll eventually fall to the ground.
Pappy, you’re a migratory bird. You don’t need a nest.
I’m the same way. I don’t need a nest; a wooden perch is enough.
Then what’s so special about this wooden perch?
Is there something that you can only get here?
What would I gain by going back home?
I’ll perch wherever I like and fly from there.
Kid! Don’t talk like you know it all.
You still think I’m a kid…Baldy?
Huh? What is this feeling?
Hey, they’re going to…
Kagura-chan!
All right, carefully move it outside.
Hijikata-san, what’re we going to use this nasty corpse for?
The Immigration officers said to bring it in.
Some VIP wants it, they said.
You’d think he could find something better to collect…
Is this the kind of monster Umibozu always fights?
Makes me wonder which one is the real monster.
And to think he’s that China girl’s father! Not exactly the family type.
There are two kinds of men.
One is the protective type who seeks to protect his home and family.
The other is the hunter type who leaves that home in search of prey.
In that man's eyes, I see the hunter.
But even more… I see a beast. He’s not the type that can stay peacefully at home.
I’m afraid that girl has lived a lonely life until now…
What’s that?!
What are they? Are they even human?!
Do you think I’d allow my unmarried daughter
to live with a man?!
That’s how you get
a marriage forced by pregnancy!
I’m not a loose woman!
And anyway, isn’t that how you married mommy?!
That bitch! She told you that?!
You’ve got no right to preach, Pappy!
I do!
I won’t let you make the same mistake I did!
Leave me alone already!
That’s all you’ve ever done anyway!!
So I’ll decide for myself where and how I’ll live!
Seems you really like this wooden perch.
Then all the more reason you should leave it.
Have you forgotten the beast blood that runs through our veins?
The Yato instinct that makes us roam in search of prey?
We are just beasts that can only live on the battlefield.
What happens when you put that beast in a peaceful place?
You forget who you are…
become self-destructive, hurt yourself…
Stay here, and you’ll snap this wooden perch in half.
If you love this place, then leave it.
If you don’t want to come home, then come with me.
This isn’t the place for you. This isn’t the sky we should fly in.
No. I don’t want to live a life where I just give up.
I’m going to change here. I know if I stay here, I can change.
I’ll stay with Gin-chan and the others.
Gin-chan? That guy? What can a bum like him do?
You leave me no choice…
Then I’ll take you with me by force.
Gin-chan!
Mommy!
What is it with you people?!
Gin-chan, I…
What do you think you’re doing?
Don’t be sticking your nose into a family argument.
That was another wild fight.
You and your daughter are a pair! Like father like daughter, huh?
Go home.
The Earth’s too small for you, after all.
I think we can all see that now. Go home with your father.
Let’s make this good-bye.
What? Why? Why are you saying that?
I’m never going back… I’ll stay…forever…with you and the others…
Wait…
Stop it!
Think about it. This isn’t where you belong, is it?
Why…?
[Preview]
You fired her?! You fired Kagura-chan?!
Does that mean she went home together with her father?!
Gin-san, have you ever thought about Kagura-chan’s feelings?
The next episode: "You Can't Judge a Movie by Its Title."
Third year, class Z, Ginpachi-sensei
[Third Year, Class Z, Ginpachi-sensei!]
Stand! Bow! Take your seats!
For today's lesson, I'd like to explain the difference between “Alien” and “Amanto”.
Sensei, I think the spelling for Alien is “Alien” not “Aliyan”.
Shut up, this is more sophisticated and trendy.
In the first place, I don’t want someone who can’t even speak proper Japanese to point that out.
OK everyone, open the brochure for “Alien vs Yakuza”.
Sensei, I have misty eyes and I can’t read this.
Please avenge Jo Bro.
Go to the nurse’s office and get a mayonnaise injection or something.
First of all, Aliens are…
Sensei!
I found out I am really alien. What should I do?
Go home and have a talk with your mom.
Sensei, I’m hungry. Why don’t we finish this class?
Sensei has decided to have curry for lunch, so no.
What do you mean by that?
It’s okay. There was no meaning from the very beginning.
Okay, “Alien vs Yakuza” is now playing in theaters, so go and watch it, everyone.
Okay.
I’m absolutely going to watch this movie.
[The End]
[Movie “Alien vs Yakuza”. Hasegawa is working part time at the movie theater.]
[Skit “Gin-san vs Sadaharu”. Movies are such a tough business.]